Maybe I'm Harry Potter?
There's a test to see which Harry Potter character are you most like (found via Digital Cherry). I took the test, and it said:

# 1 Voldemort

Which, if you've read the books, you'll probably know to be the deranged bad guy.

I'm not sure why I'm most like him.
[posted by gavin on Saturday, July 28, 2001 | link this | talk]

Planet of the Apes: it begins
Getting strange calls late at night? Maybe this cheeky monkey is to blame. He stole a cell phone from a zoo keeper and started calling people up in the middle of the night. Then he was later seen wearing a helmet and riding a horse.
[posted by gavin on Saturday, July 28, 2001 | link this | talk]

Eight little gray legs waving

There's a rather large spider living in my bathroom right now. She appeared shortly after I moved in, and at our first meeting I tried to flush her down the drain. However she escaped into some shelving and cleverly decided to lay low for some weeks. Not long ago, she reappeared dangling on the mirror while I was brushing my teeth.

"Oh, it's you again, is it?" I asked.

She cleaned her fangs with her front two legs.

"You understand that I'm a human. I'm bigger than you: I could kill you."

She considered me with her eight eyes before scuttling off to the corner, leaving me to feel big, powerful, and lame for threatening something barely larger than my large toenail.

This has continued for some time. I'll be in the bathroom and the spider will appear and clean her face while I brush my teeth. When we're finished, I'll go back to my bedroom and she goes back to her hole in the wall.

However, I've been noticing that she's getting smaller: her legs are thinner and she's moving more slowly.

I suspect this may be due to the lack of flies in my bathroom.

Last night I was in the garden when I saw a large black fly ambling across the table top. I placed a glass over it and shook it around, stunning it. Then I took the fly inside and dropped it in front of the spiders hole in the wall.

Brushing my teeth this morning I noticed the spider was late. Just before I finished, she came lumbering up onto the mirror and sat there, licking her lips.

"You're late" I pointed out. She shrugged. I shrugged back.

"Well, see you tonight" I said, and left to make myself breakfast.
[posted by gavin on Saturday, July 28, 2001 | link this | talk]

Little, creepy, person wants a girlfriend
Eleven year old boys haven't traditionally been that good at finding women. However, this fellow has decided to buck the trend by advertising for a girlfriend online. Using little more than his photo and a prerecorded voice message, he is sure to weaken the knees of all those future girlfriends out there.
Random Quote: "byee.. thanks.. for.. stopping.. by.."
[posted by gavin on Monday, July 23, 2001 | link this | talk]

Real doll in action
Everybody I know wants a Real doll. There's just something about them.. whether you're male or female, single or attached, they look like the perfect toy for anyone. But the truth is, it'd be hard to get the courage to buy one for yourself. For one thing, they're expensive. And then there's the fact that they're not like blow-up dolls; they don't deflate for easy storage. It could be embarrassing if your new girlfriend, boyfriend, or house guest were to stumble upon one tucked away at the back of your closet. Even more so if you were to come home and find them having their way with it.

Or let's say one day you get married, but unfortunately for you, your spouse isn't into your toy, so for the good of the marriage you decide it's time to kick the doll. Now you have an almost human looking sex toy to somehow dispose of. They look too life-like to chuck into the garbage, lest someone find it and call the police. And you don't want to keep it hidden at home in case your future children find it and are permanently scarred.

However, those problems don't seem to bother this guy, who, as far as I can tell, actually needs a Real doll. And I don't mean that in a mean way. Just look at these highlights from his dating history:

• When I was in High school in the 12th grade I asked another girl to go to the prom with me. She said yes. Well about a day before the prom she called me and said that she did not want to go. I asked her why. She said " My mother said that dancing was evil so I decided I better not go".
  
• when I was 28 I actually had my first real girlfriend! Really! We had SEX and EVERYTHING!
  
• ...after our 2nd date she asked me if I could move some furniture for her. [...] after I get the last of the furniture unloaded the girl says " I feel sick, can you take me home?" I take her home. The next day I call her to see if she is OK. She says " Can you call me later, I am really busy." I call her 4 or 5 other times later that week and get the same thing.

Reality-based dancing
Even if you don't watch Big Brother 2, you still might like this movie. I like the laugh the singer does at the end.
[posted by gavin on Wednesday, July 18, 2001 | link this | talk]

Love is hard.. sometimes
Having trouble with romance? Why not try using a magic spell to get the girl or boy of your dreams to love you with the doe-eyed affections that only magic can produce.
Random Quote: Catch their shinnanagins offguard! Bind them up tight as a drum!
[posted by gavin on Monday, July 16, 2001 | link this | talk]

And they hate kittens and puppies, too...
I know a lot of people hate Microsoft with a mouth-foaming anger usually reserved for war criminals and child pornographers, but generally speaking, I rarely feel any ill-will toward them except for the occasions I'm forced to used "Windows Millenium" (arr.. piece of monkey shit).

But after reading the news that Microsoft is shutting down a charity that gives referbished computers to poor kids unless they pay the software maker $600 per computer, you can't help but be filled with an urge to not buy any more Microsft products. (Except of course, you need to buy some Microsoft software just to run your computer.. hmm.. damn you Bill Gates.. you've trapped me in your evil web once again!).
[posted by gavin on Monday, July 16, 2001 | link this | talk]

"Genital-biting fish terrorise village"
I will never visit Papua New Guinean
Random Quote: the fish demonstrated a trait of the piranha by following a trail of urine in the water, swimming to its source and then biting it off with razor-sharp teeth.
[posted by gavin on Sunday, July 15, 2001 | link this | talk]

Down with libraries!
So long, civilization: publishers have decided that libraries have been ripping them off for too long by letting the unwashed masses read their books without paying for them. Up next: Good old fashioned book burnings! (yee-haw!)
[posted by gavin on Friday, July 13, 2001 | link this | talk]

Chemistry
Have we been following the wrong periodic table of elements for all these years? Check out the new Male periodic table of elements.
Random Quote: Sex is the way Mother Nature tricks us into making more people. But we screw her over with hand jobs
[posted by gavin on Thursday, July 12, 2001 | link this | talk]

Naked tub romp enjoyed by all
The new season of the U.S. Big Brother starts tonight. Will it be as interesting as the British version? Unlikely, especially since it includes this guy. But you never know.

Swirling colours soothe the savage beast
This is quite nice to look at. Although, if it turns out that it's actually reprogramming your brain and turning it's viewers into mindless zomboids, then don't blame me. (Blame ioh, they're the people I light-fingered this link from).
[posted by gavin on Wednesday, July 04, 2001 | link this | talk]

This horrible little man troubles me

Ok, so you've probably seen the "get money from Uncle Sam!" guy advertising on tv, telling you how you can get lots of government money if you by his books. Ok, I can deal with that. But what confuses me is: why does he have all those question marks on his suit? What does that mean exactly? Shouldn't he have doller signs on his clothing? I confused.
[posted by gavin on Tuesday, July 03, 2001 | link this | talk]

Canada: 134 years old and still sexy
On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."

(Happy Canada day).
[posted by gavin on Sunday, July 01, 2001 | link this | talk]

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