Weight loss system for lazy people
Wanna eat less, but are too lazy to exercise? Try this: after eating a meal, but before you eat dessert, brush your teeth. Now, since eating dessert would involve having to re-brush your teeth afterwards, you’ll be lazy and just ignore the dessert.

Of course, for this to really work you must a) be exceptionally lazy, and b) have no dental insurance.
[posted by gavin on Sunday, October 28, 2001 | link this | talk]

It's happening again
What's that kitty? ... You want me to burn things?

But no, I shouldn't; that'd be wrong.

And yet..

must.. obey.. the fluffy kitten..
[posted by gavin on Wednesday, October 24, 2001 | link this | talk]

I be actor good now
Today I was acting in a play which was going fine up to the point where the other actor, in a fit of pretend rage, has to kick me in the leg. Except she was about 20 times stronger than me, and kinda missed my leg and hit closer to the groin area, sending me flying backwards where I crashed into a table, fell to the floor, and cried rather pathetically for fifteen minutes.

But then I also did my first stage kiss as well today. So it all even's out.

(the sad part is I cried after the stage kiss too).
[posted by gavin on Friday, October 19, 2001 | link this | talk]

Toilet chat
Stories of toilet adventure and misadventure.
Random Quote: Can anybody do a simultaeous dump and a piss?
[posted by gavin on Tuesday, October 16, 2001 | link this | talk]

Email Roulette
With all this anthrax going around, we need to get back to safe letter writing that won't leave us with gaping sores on our skin. Enter email roulette. Write a short message, and the computer will randomly send it into the internet abyss to another roulette player, who may respond it. Double the fun whilst playing wasted (ahem, we'd assume).
[posted by gavin on Sunday, October 14, 2001 | link this | talk]

Odd, that

So what's it doing there? No one really knows. But the important thing is this: as much as enemies can to bring about the end of western civilization, and as much as we're on the brink of wars and mounting anthrax incidents, this proves we'll end up winning, because no matter how bleak things get, we'll still be spreading our weird shit around the globe. It almost brings a tear to my eye.
[posted by gavin on Wednesday, October 10, 2001 | link this | talk]

The award show must go on!
The Emmy's are trying for their third time lucky after last Sunday's was cancelled due to the start of world war III. However, since the Shrine Auditorium is now seen as a bit of an unlucky location to host the award show, officials are looking at other options like a hotel ballroom and a military base. Among other places being considered as hosting locations are:

• A school assembly


• After a Sunday church service


• The back trailer of a moving lorry


• The empty car park behind a Home Depot


• The basement of my cousin Larry's house

Get Some Real (ass)
The Swedish anti-porn site “Get Some Real” is ramping up it’s efforts to get horny losers off the internet and put them back in airport bars, dark allies, and the bushes outside dorm windows where they belong.

The idea is to make fake porn pages that trick people who are looking for nude bodies into actually looking at a photo of Jesus crying. (Or something.)

Random Quote: "what's with all the porn?"
[posted by gavin on Saturday, October 06, 2001 | link this | talk]

Unemployable
There was a job fair at my university today. The whole atrium was filled with booths of potential employers who managed to show absolutely no enthusiasm at the prospect of hiring me. I was doing ok, up until the point where they'd ask what my major was, which I'd foolishly answer truthfully (English major), at which point their eye's would glass over and they'd go back to searching the crowd for more management students.

On the other hand, while I didn't get any career options or make any connections, I did manage to get a lot of free junk like pens and candy with corporate logos printed on them.

Eating corporate candy hides my pain.
[posted by gavin on Thursday, October 04, 2001 | link this | talk]

Mmm.. jello..
Those eggheads down at the observatory have just figured out there's a chance that all matter in the universe may collapse at any second and turn into some kind of delicious jelly dessert. Sadly, the probability of this happening is less than that of buying two lottery tickets in the same week that both win the lottery, so we might have to wait a while before we get to sink our teeth into tasty cosmic pudding.
[posted by gavin on Monday, October 01, 2001 | link this | talk]

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