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No matter how well you plan ahead, the call of
nature can strike at any time, even when away from the safety of
your own home. Should you find yourself in the unnerving
environment of the public loo, consider the following advice...
» The stall closest to the
bathroom entrance is usually the cleanest because most people
would rather use a stall as far away from the door as possible,
weird yes, but true. People feel more comfortable and want to hide
from everyone else in publik restrooms, so they go as far away as
they can. The stalls closest to the door are rarely used so
they are your best bet for a pooh. 
» If you take a messy dump
and your asshole is sore, it’s gunna be hard to do a proper
wipe job. Spit onto your wad of toilet paper, kuz that’ll surely
help some.
» The handicapped stalls
are fun becuz they’re nice and big, and you probably won’t get
an std becuz you know handicapped people don’t get laid very
often. However beware, there’s usually pee all over the toilet
seat in the handicap stall from retards not being able to balance
themselves properly.
» If there is pee on the
seat, get a huge wad of toilet paper, wipe it off, and line four squares of
t.p. on each side
where your ass would perch when you sit down. Another common remedy
is to squat like a dog. It may take awhile, but eventually
you’ll master this fine art.
» You can write whatever
you like on the walls in a public washroom. Some enjoy a nice,
“I’m watching you pee,” or “fuck you, whore cunt bitch
faggot nigger…" etcetera etc etera .
» You can go buckfuck
nutty in a publik loo, like rip shit off the wall and throw wet
paper towels on the ceiling – all that fun stuff you couldn’t
do in your own bathroom becuz that’s fucking barbaric, holy shit
but it’s ok to do in a publik washroom. You can be a big
primitive asshole with no respect for public property whatsoever
and you like that.
» If there is no lock on
your stall then you lift your right leg and press it up against
the door. This is good exercise for your ass muscles as well.
Perhaps you could close your eyes, lean back and say a mantra and
then you don’t have to think about the fact that you are in a
filthy place sitting on a germ-loaded seat.
» Don’t hang your bag on
the hook, or put it on the floor or behind you in the stall becuz
some mutherfucka can easily grab it and you would be too busy
shitting to get up and chase after the jerk. If you can, put it on
your lap. Or some stalls have that little fold down metal shelf
thing, so use that. Plus, that metal shelf thing is a great surface to
snort a line from. So I heard.
» If you don’t like
other people being able to hear you poo or pee, then turn on the
hand dryer before you go in, make a lot of loud coughing noises,
flush the toilet repetitively and/or keep unravelling the toilet
paper from the roll and jiggling around with it. Make small talk
with a friend who is waiting and, if you make a fart noise, blame
it on somebody else who was in the bathroom as well, once that
person leaves.
» If you are a germaphobe
and don’t want to touch the doorknob on your way out after you
just washed your hands, make sure you are a few steps behind
whoever you are with and stall a bit so they’re the one who has
to open the door – then you can sneak thru easily without having
to touch a thing. If no one is with you then you could try to jam
your foot up in the handle and do some fancy foot jerks to try and
pull the door open. If that fails, you could wait for someone new
to enter the restroom but that is like obsessive, so why don’t
you just put your hand in your shirt sleeve and pull the friggin
door open, you wimp. If the door is pushable rather than pull, then
you don’t have to worry. Put your shoulder into it or kick the
door open.
» What to do if you take a
big crap and the toilet won’t flush afterward... and there’s a
big line to use your stall? You could make a huge wad of toilet
paper and place it nicely over your pooh. If it is a nice skinny
piece of poop then you could try scooping it up with an empty roll
of toilet paper and throwing it in the stall’s garbage or hiding
it behind the toilet on the floor. Your last hope is to say to the
next person in line that the crap is not yours. “It was there
from the start.” Then you walk away very fast.
» If there is a massive
pooh or bloody mess (from a chick’s rag) in the toilet bowl
don’t be one of those wusses and not use that stall. The shit is
not going to friggin’ jump up at your butt once you sit down for
cryin’ out loud. Add to it and make a masterpiece. Of course
there is always the possibility of splashback and the shit could
fly up at your butt if something heavy drops outta your ass. In
this case, we squat like a dog.
 »
If you are one of those gross people who don’t bother
washing your hands after you’re done but you don’t want others
to know it, turn on the tap and make like you are washing anyway.
Then grab a paper towel, pretend to dry and then throw it out.
Easy as pie you gross,
I-don’t-have-time-to-wash-and-dry-my-hands weirdo.
» Apparently it is a rule
to never ever talk when you are using a men’s urinal and/or look
at another dudes wiener. You are allowed to talk when you finish
and wash up but in scary homophobe towns it best you keep mum and
your eyes on your own package. Aim for the minty urinal tab and you
score points. Because urinals are too close to one another, if you
come across three in a row then you should use one of the outside
ones. Less possibility of accidentally seeing another dink
this way.
» Crapping in gas station
toilets no. Pub toilets yes. Fast food joints are a good bet cuz
they’re cleaned on a regular basis.
» If some random weirdo
tries to use your hand dryer tell ‘em you are obsessive
compulsive and it sets you back ten minutes by them trying to fuck
with your rhythm. That or you have contagious hand cancer and
finger warts. Then start moaning and make hee-haw noises.
» A really good prank to
pull on someone in a public washroom is to mash up a chocolate bar
in your hand (think Oh Henry or Snickers), then put that hand under
the stall door you are in and ask if someone could get you some
toilet paper. Hee hee.
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