By Raymi

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Blowjobs

First things first, you have to give blowjobs. Like, all the time. And you have to talk about giving blowjobs to your girlfriends on the bleachers at the baseball diamond. This trashy girl asked me if I ever gave a blowjob and I said no, I was thirteen, and she cut me off and said she swallowed the cum and it tasted like salt. I asked if she would get pregnant and she looked up and to the left like she had no idea and went, “Um, no. It’s in my tummy. And besides, I am on my period now.” She had a dirty backyard too and I almost stepped on a soiled diaper.

You have to have a dirty backyard if you want to be a small town slut.

Back to blowjobs. Now, we have all heard of a girl who gave some guy a blowjob in front of his buddies after he threw a blanket on her head. This is truly something to aspire to. Especially if she’s doin’ it for weed.

Handjobs

I know I’ve jumped the gun and went straight to blowjobs but still, a handjob is where it all begins (after french-kissing) and is quite essential in the mastering of one’s craft.

You can’t be shy. You can’t have shame. You have to grab crotch.

Lean against those hydro boxes, (in America you fucks probably don’t understand what this is, you see, Canada has three million lakes. That’s how we have electricity and the like. We have all these green power boxes in the suburbs and we sit on them and smoke weed even when it’s cold out. Anyway.) Lean against those hydro boxes and take out his dick and spit on your hand and move it around all over the place. He’s probably baked and shy and insecure of being a high school dropout. Really, he’s romantic and has a big burning crush on you but still, he will be forced to tell all his friends about your shitty handjob.

This is a good thing because then everyone will know you are a slutface and will invite you over to smoke weed in the hopes of a handjob.

Being felt up

Ok, I don’t know what fucking show you use to watch or what novels you’ve read, but no one says “being felt up,” ever!

I don’t know what we say. Probably “Oh, I grabbed her tits” or “I sucked her boobs.”

Whatever.

That’s just uncomfortable and boring most times because you have to look down at this loser trying to get you all hot by gently nipping at your under-developed nubbies and now he’s seen your dirty, shit bra.

The only good thing about having your tits sucked is you get to hold your soda and your smoke and you don’t have to do anything but wait for him to get a boner and then you can go to town on it.

Kissing

You have to use your tongue, there is no question about it unless he knows you’re super trash and wants to go straight to a blowjob.

This is fine.

If you want him to fall in love with you, you might want to put some hot breath action on his ear and make your voice all throaty and go, “Damn, I wanna suck your cock so bad” or whatever dumb things you think of.

If you don’t know how to kiss you are a tardbag and should probably stay indoors and wait until your parents bring you over to the relatives and let your uncle make eyes at you.

Brothers, friends

You have to go down on brothers and friends and everyone who knows everyone else.

Duh.

Kinkiness

I’m not even going to tell you about this because small town guys can’t handle it. They don’t have the attention span nor staying power to let you talk dirty to ‘em or hog-tie ‘em. Whatever. Reserve your wild side for sugar daddies and fat men with money.

You’ll thank me later.

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